Review: A Man Named Dave

A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness by Dave Pelzer.
Dutton, Penguin Putnam, New York, 1999.
Adult memoir, 286 pages.
Lexile: 900L .
AR Level: 5.9 (worth 15.0 points) .
NOTE: This is part of a series and this review may contain spoilers for previous books.

Dave Pelzer continues the story of his life with the saga of his time in the military, marriage and fatherhood, further events with his parents, the process of writing his first books and beginning a speaking career, and his life in general.

A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness by Dave Pelzer.

While this is not the next book chronologically, these first books were originally published and presented as a trilogy, so I decided some time ago to read them in publication order, which took a while because this third book isn’t as prevalent in the used book sales. Finally a friend found one in a different thrift store circuit. After this story, there are two further memoirs, The Privilege of Youth which tells more about Pelzer’s teen years in foster care, and Too Close to Me, which continues his adult life. Pelzer has also written several self-help books, but I probably will just finish reviewing this series.

One of the things that bothers me is that in every single book Pelzer keeps rehashing the abuse. While it is of course important to his life story to know that he endured horrific events, the need to retell specific scenes over and over felt like he was still mentally trapped in constantly reliving those events. The repetition was unnecessary, especially given that the author has another whole book which focuses specifically on that time.

Unfortunately this turned me off the book, and the narrative wasn’t cohesive enough to draw me back in. For example, in the chapter about his mother’s death, Pelzer talks about how his brothers all got together for the last time at her funeral, but there’s never any follow-up explaining why – a falling out? Did one die?

It was interesting to read about the process of publishing his first two books, and how difficult he found writing them. This helped explain a few things about the unusual style and formatting.

Pelzer seems uncertain how to relate to his ex-wife Patsy. He does take on a lot of the blame for their marriage failing, and points out that he made her miserable, never opened up about his history, and rarely even told her he loved her. At other points he seems to hint that she baby trapped him and purposefully chose an Air Force man. His writing is like a pendulum – sometimes she’s the best mother ever, sometimes she only wants his money.

I think at the time of writing Pelzer had not fully resolved his own feelings about the marriage yet, or had not processed the situation enough for a balanced consideration. Patsy also seems to be insinuating that he’s gay at several points in the book, but he never directly states or addresses that. The two romantic relationships mentioned are both with women.

Pelzer does his best to present a storybook happy ending. It doesn’t seem like a coincidence that he ended his story while still married to Marsha. However, it isn’t difficult to read between the lines and see that Pelzer is still deeply embedded in his own personal trauma.

There’s been a lot of discussion about whether Pelzer’s story is real. While some details might be exaggerated or incorrect, the gist (that he suffered and survived significant, traumatic abuse) does ring true to me after reading this book. Although he perhaps doesn’t intend it to come through in the way it does.

It’s painfully clear to readers that Pelzer is still struggling on several levels. Emotional regulation is an ongoing problem for him, although he finds some strategies that allow him to function. He struggles to know and love himself in a deep way and falls easily into freeze/flight/fawn/fight responses.

We also see the very beginning of what most likely will be significant fallout from sharing deeply personal and painful stories with the world. I suspect this is covered more deeply in his second memoir of his adult life, and it truly is an aspect that much more taken for granted today, when anyone can go viral online, than it was back in the 1990s. Pelzer likely expected this book to only reach troubled youth and social workers, and alternates between pride and panic at the wide reach of his previous books.

Even Pelzer’s back-and-forth, pendulum type thinking may be based in trauma – sometimes trying to take on all the blame, at others seeing himself as the victim of a cruel world. Unfortunately what was engrossing in earlier books is depressing here as readers see that he hasn’t healed as much as hoped in his adult life.

Pelzer has considerable success in many ways – a military career, several books, and speaking work. He is able to forge lasting bonds with a few friends, his former foster parents, and seemingly his son. But his past continues to haunt him as he struggles with self-care and self-love.

This is an adult book, not intended for children. Usually I give detail about specific warnings but I just can’t go through this book again so some may be missing. Major warnings are for graphic scenes of child abuse, spousal neglect, familial scapegoating, and gaslighting. Pelzer doesn’t mention a particular diagnosis or disorder but he definitely engages in severely disordered eating patterns and the descriptions of these could be challenging for some readers.

I’m uncertain who to recommend this for. It’s much less readable than the previous two books, and the rehashing of specific events could be an unnecessary trigger. Readers of the first two books may have interest in his life or how those were published. This book could also be useful for medical professionals who will inevitably work with some people with severe unresolved trauma, as it certainly shows how that can affect someone, not just mentally or emotionally, but also physically, for their entire lives.